....home.....

...it seems so "final", now that teatea's ashes are home.  When i picked up the box at the pet mortuary, I was a bit creeped out by the array of little coffins and gravestones in the lobby....I told them who i was and they asked me if I was here to pick up teatea.  "No, I'm here to pick up her ashes though."  I wished desperately that i was there to pick up teatea, but I know that part of her has never left me since we had her put down last Sunday.  They gave me a little white cardboard box about the size of a recipe card box.  That was it.  I picked it up and it was so very very very light.  I was really taken aback by that.  She was a small kitty....at 7 weeks when i got her she weighed 3/4 lb, and she never was over 10 lbs....but the box is soooooo light.  I guess it's a gentle reminder of how wee she really was....and that 18+ years is long life for a feline friend.  I drove home thinking that is was the ONLY time that I'd driven with her in the car where she didn't sing the yowling kitty song the whole way.  [=  In 1994 teatea accompanied my ex-husband and I on a cross country drive.  He was in the military and we drove from Georgia to back to San Diego, where we were once again to live.  The thought of sticking her on a plane by herself again (which we did when we moved to Georgia) was not acceptable, so in the car she went, exploring new hotel rooms every night, hiding from 18 wheeler trucks in her crate (we actually used a metal dog crate so she could see us when she wanted to and hide under a blanket from the trucks when she wanted to).  I don't think it was her favorite time in her life, but it sure was an adventure!  She used to sing that kitty song in the house as she got older....and then she suddenly stopped about the same time she stopped eating.  It was just another sign that things were changing for her....now what I'd give to hear her yowl....sigh...

Oh, anyways, back to the homecoming.  I brought the little box into the house and immediately couldn't figure out what the heck to do with it....  dh had unpacked the little container/frame that I'd purchased in July of 2006 (thinking she was going then!), but I didn't have a photo to put in it.  I could not get myself to let my dh put her ashes in the container without a photo of her on the front...because then she couldn't see out of it and it would just be dark and scary and permanent.  Ok, I know how irrational that sounds.  But that's how I feel, so I'm honoring it as true for me, and that's that.  So I placed the little box on the bed where her kittycave used to be (new one hasn't arrived yet) and wrapped a blanket around it....and sat and cried and cried.  How could that be all that was left of my best friend????  How could she just be gone???  And the tears flowed.  Dh came in with tears and hugs....and when bedtime came, we moved her up on the dresser overlooking the bed (I don't think either one of us wanted to be the one to kick the box off the bed, so we moved it), put the frame/container in front of the box and I put a silk scarf over the box to "keep her warm" up there.....and that's where she is right now...well, that's where her ashes are.  I wish i knew where she was.  I know where  I WANT her to be, I can take guesses at where she'd like to be, but i still don't know.  Dh put the stairs to the bed again tonight, just in case she needed them in her new life to come say hello.... we're getting quite good at honoring our irrational thoughts to take care of ourselves!! [=  

Now, I have to find a photo for that frame.  Do i choose young teatea or older teatea? Do i choose one where she's staring right into the camera or doing one of her favorite things?   That's my task for this afternoon.  I'm dreading it, but i know it needs to be done.

A quick note on grieving with husband (sounds like a painting title).....he's starting to lose his patience with me cuz I'm not moving as fast through the grieving process as he is and it hurts him to watch me be where I am.... dh only knew teatea for 4 years, so this isn't surprising, but it makes it very very difficult.  When he loses his patience with me, it makes me feel even lonelier than i do, and that makes it harder on me....cuz i feel teatea's loss more.  We've spoken about it, and he understands. I wanted to throw that in cuz i'm sure others have the same thing going on, and if I'm going to type my true experience, that is certainly a part of it..... more later..... (oh, photo of teatea laying on dh's shoulder and napping...a highly regarded spot for napping.)