...hitting the one week mark....

well, here i am, one week after teatea's death.  Do you think it's harsh that I say death or dead as opposed to "passed" or "put to sleep"?  For me, well, i have a problem saying words that don't honor the severity of the situation.  I work primarily with folks of other cultures/races and I hear many different words to describe the death of a loved one.  They passed.  They passed on.  They passed away.  They have gone home.  They left this world.  Perhaps this has to do with the religious beliefs of the family that has suffered the loss.  But to me, to sugar coat it or hide it behind softer words does not honor the horrible feeling of grief that comes with the loss.  Teatea's body is dead.  Teatea's spirit? Oh who knows.  I still cry and ponder that one.  Most of the time I figure she's got to be around here somewhere.  This was the only place she knew...we were the only people she loved.  Doesn't that make this a logical spot? You would think....but I've had no "signs".  Others have told me that they've seen their dead loved ones (human or animal) out the corner of their eye, or heard them, or felt their touch....I haven't had any of that yet.  Doesn't mean she's not around though...she could stay mad at someone for quite some time.  When I used to come home from vacation, she would ignore me for several days before she'd come around.  Never stayed mad at my husband though, that was always interesting (and humorous).  So we will see.  I could use a gentle visit from her to ease my mind.

I've had candles burning whenever I've been home since her death.  I don't know why ~ she didn't have a preference for wisker-singeing candles.  [=  Problem is that I've discovered a fabulous new candle and they're bloody expensive!  But for now, I will capitulate to my mourning need and purchase fabulous candles cuz they bring a wee bit of peace to my soul.  Woodwick candles.  Look'em up.  They're gorgeously scented and the crackling wick is hyp-mo-tizing.   Sorry.... short attention span. Anyways, I'm still wearing teatea's collar as a bracelet and I'm barely aware of it most of the time.  Is that good or bad? I dunno.  I haven't been able to concentrate enough to study (for an exam I have to take at the end of February) or even to watch a movie, but it's getting a bit better, as I've caught myself laughing at a few things.  My doctor gave me a prescription for Ambien to help me sleep, but I'm afraid to try it, cuz it kept a friend of mine up all night, and I can't imagine a worse torture right now than being stuck awake with my own thoughts.  So I've been visiting my husband's xanax at bedtime....but tonight I'll try the ambien.  Need to stop stealing his meds.  Oh! Last night I slept with the light off for the first time.  Baby steps....

I think I've written about how angry I am at my family's lack of response to what I'm going through....my friends have been kind, but my family has been sorely absent from recognizing what I'm going through.  My friend Wheezie sent me a cookie bouquet and I've gotten cards and well-wishing phone calls from many friends.  My family, on the other hand, must have great big issues with grief, because I haven't gotten so much as a card from them.  Grief displaced as anger?  Nope.  I'm just flat out pissed that they couldn't take the time to recognize the loss of one of my primary relationships, even if they didn't like teatea (she had a very mean streak). 

I still haven't found a photo for the box for teatea's ashes.  Why doesn't it seem more important??  Perhaps I don't want to just remember her in "just one way".   I have funny photos of her, I have beautiful photos, I have personality-filled ones.....which to use?  I'll post it here when I figure it out.  

Oh, and remind me to tell you about the wind chime tree....