first day back at work....first day without her being waiting to greet me afterwards....

...lots of folks have said "the best thing in the world for you is to go back to work. It'll get your mind off of it."  well, that's true...for brief moments.  But the awkward tears and the drop of a hat are a little hard to explain to co-workers, especially for those who have never learned how to make a pet become a true family member (and i don't mean by dressing them up in clothes and treating them like people).  These are the "oh for god sakes, just get over it. It was a CAT" people....so I told only one person at work today....one I knew would understand.  She helped ease my workday by staying and talking about her experiences with death and pets for about 45 minutes..... which i truly appreciated.  There are photos of teatea at work....little reminders...even down to a bit of fluffy cat hair I found stuck on my shirt.  I cried as I took it outside to blow away in the breeze ~ I couldn't get myself to put it in the garbage bin.  Every bit of teatea means so much now that she's not physically with me.  Husband (who is out of work currently) told me that he left the music on in the bedroom for her today....that brought such comfort.  I wore her collar today for the first time (as a bracelet, of course) and when my heart began to ache, I would touch it on my wrist and know that somehow we are connected still.  

I was "ok" at work....the grief was like a lowgrade fever that slowed me down, but the work was a minor distraction.  I'm not going to win any awards for "employee of the year" with my performance, that's for sure.  The hard part was getting in my car to drive home.  I have a long history of grieving while I drive, which as far as I'm concerned is sometimes as bad as drinking and driving....get to sobbing too hard and you can't see anything.  But driving is my down time, and so the grief comes.  The second wave hit as I walked in the door at home after work.....and her furry face wasn't there to greet me, or be woken up by my big moonhead peeking into her kitty cave.  I keep a candle lit in the bedroom at night for her...and yes, for me.  It's a "WoodWick" candle that sounds like a wee fireplace when it burns, and i know the sound would have fascinated her. Little tiny pops and crackles (for those of you who currently have a cat, you might want to keep an eye on them if they're still young enough to get into trouble around these candles!) are hyp-mo-tizing and comforting at the same time.  

I've had the usual thoughts again today....did she truly know how much she was loved here?  Am I going to be able to make it through this?  Do i ever WANT to get over this? And of course, the usual amount of energy to push the negative thoughts to the side as much as I can.  I don't want her memory to fade.  I'm hoping that as I process all these feelings in this blog that eventually I'll be able to get to the part where I start saving memories here....ones that have made me a part of her and her a part of me.  That's the goal.  For now, there's just pain, grief, fear, anguish, and knowing that I did what I had to do.  I could only be this strong for her.