wednesday in the machine

....today i came to a couple realizations....the first is that I'm really not ready to put teatea's ashes in the frame/ash container thingy yet.  I can't seem to get myself to go and get a print of the photo for the frame....I have no interest in it.  Perhaps because of the finality, perhaps because I'm so blue that I'm dumbfoundedly lazy.  Not sure which. Could be either.  Either way, I've decided that Saturday will the be day that her ashes will be put into the frame/box thingy....and that I pick out a tree to plant on the property in her honor. (not like she cared about trees, but birds will come to it, so it'll suffice.)  It would have been her 19th birthday.  So perhaps my procrastination has been for a reason....perhaps not.  I'm obviously in a wednesday mood.   

The other realization that I've had is that although teatea is gone, maybe now is the time to start talking with a rescue organization about fostering a cat/kittens in the not so distant future.  It's a way to give back.  It's a way for my dh to decide if he'd prefer to own a cat or get a kitten....and it's a way for me to have another cat in the home (which both of us miss) without making the commitment to owning one.  Might we fall in love? Perhaps.  I'm not counting on it.  Instead I'm expecting to be a bit cooler to any other cat that comes in to "take teatea's place"....which of course, these won't be doing.  They'll just be getting a helping hand for a bit til they find their "real" homes.  I fear it'll feel like "cheating" on teatea (which is ridiculous, as she came nose to nose with the outdoor cats on many occasions....hissing like the old gas bag that she was!) but there's only one way to find out...and one way to do good in the process.   I'm skeerd, but it's the right thing to do.  I think.  

I miss teatea terribly.  I cried on the drive home tonight, finding it very very hard to believe that I will never see her again.  The longest we were separated in almost 19 years was 3 weeks....and it scares me to think that I'm only at the 10 day mark.  My heart aches now, like a worn out muscle that needs a rest.  But no rest will come, cuz I've lost a part of me.  Perhaps Saturday will bring some change.