well, i suppose it is true that everything attempts to drive your life back to "normal" after a loss....but it just doesn't feel the same, no matter how much routine and other problems attempt to sway it back to it's previous path. Today was one of those strange holidays that we get off at my work and it was my absolute favorite sort of day....cold and rain squalls, wind and general moodiness from the atmosphere. An odd occurrance in southern california. I woke up about 6 or 7 times last night (the first night without xanax) and had weird dreams, but not the one I dread, so I was relieved and tired this morning. I attempted to study for my exam, but the rain and wind took down our internet, and so perhaps giving me a bit of time to unwind and think of teatea on a blustery day. I attempted to take a nap this afternoon, but sleep didn't come. Teatea was NOTORIOUS for IMMEDIATELY joining me and my outstretched arm as soon as my butt hit the bed for an afternoon nap on the weekends. I could try to sneak into bed ( and I SHOULD have been able to ~ we have one of those tempurpedic beds that I"m supposed to be able to jump up and down on without spilling a glass of red wine for gawd sakes!) but it never worked. I'd feel the little footy-prints and then get a nose in the eye or a tiny lick on my lips...then she's flop down and rest her head right on my arm and lean her head on mine. Today was the first time there were no footy-prints, no nose in the eye.....just me waiting.
Although my sobbing is getting to be less frequent, the quiet tears are more often. I'm saving them for private times, where my husband doesn't have to be dragged into my grief. The shock of the empty water and food bowl isn't as gut wrenching anymore. It's a bit more expected. I've pulled some photos together to scan into the computer for something....lord only knows what. Perhaps to post here as I remember small things before I lose them to my horrible memory. It was nice showing them to my dh, as he only knew teatea for the last 4 years of her life. "She had so much more hair!" The most active he remembers her being is reaching out for a quick swipe at him as she lay belly-up in the hallway or anywhere on the carpet where we walked by with frequency....clever girl.
I'm still waiting for it all to feel "done", but I am coming to the conclusion that it never will be. Teatea will live on in me and a HUGE part of my life....the unconditional love she gave helped me through 19 years of tough times...many were times when no one else was there. How can I ever thank her enough for that?
No comments:
Post a Comment