24 hours into the grief....

I am making attempts (although feeble) to not think about those last moments so that I don't torture myself into having nightmares I don't deserve....the human condition somehow leads us down that road, doesn't it?  I am tortured by questions that I cannot answer:  Does she know I love her even though I let a stranger in the house to "hurt" her?  Did she know everything was done in kindness and that it wasn't an act of betrayal in her weakened state? Is she safe? Does she REALLY know how much I love her? Last night I was afraid to go to sleep because I feared nightmares.  Sunday I surprised myself because I thought the "body" would creep me out....instead it gave me comfort to have the extra half hour before the cremeatorium came to pick it up.  I was also surprised that I wanted to clean most everying out  while I was in my "numb" stage....so that the emotional "land mines" that I accidentally ran into would be fewer between.  Gone are the IV fluids, bag of KD food, antibiotics, blankets, kitty cave (that she had an accident in), litterbox.... What I did keep were her prized possessions: 2 beloved toys, all my photos (including the home screen on my cell phone), her empty water and food bowls, a blanket on the bottom of the bed, and her collar ~ which I'll be making into a bracelet so that even though she's physically gone, I have a solid reminder with me always.  My dh was really struggling with the kitty cave not being at the bottom of the bed, so we have ordered a new one....it sounds odd, but now having one there was TOO empty...and I think both us agree that her wee soul may need a place to rest as it does it's think across the universe, and that a familiar stopping ground might be very welcomed.  [= 

I am not doubting my decision.  I saw no "look" from her.  She was too stubborn and proud for that.   19 years of living with her had put enough of my soul into her and her soul into me to know when that time had come.  Sadly, it came.  

I am just over 24 hours into the grieving process and am left helpless by the thought that this has only begun.  I believe another cat will come along, but now I need time to get my memories, feelings and connection with my friend in order....she may no longer be in my life in the physical sense, but she's there strong as ever in a different way....and that's what I need to nurture and make stronger now.  And I will ask her to help me find the next furry one that needs us.  Who knows what's possible.....