...every day....

teatea

you know, the "miss" is strong every day for me.  Maybe it's like those soldiers that come back from war without one of their limbs, but they say they can still feel it once in awhile, and can still feel the pain sometimes as well.... Teatea is in my thoughts everyday.  Not because of guilt, not because my 2 cats currently living in my home aren't "enough" (cuz trust me, they are more than enough at times!), but because she was my furry soulmate.  I am still wearing her collar as a bracelet every day to keep a part of her close to me, knowing that it's my turn to show who I belong to.  I cry every so often on my commute home because the missing is so strong, and I still...every so often....can feel her gingerly walk up from the bottom of the bed toward me....and those are the time I love the most. (and then I peek and I get so mad at myself for peeking cuz then the experience is over but I can't stop myself from peeking!! aauuggh!)   I still can't open the drawer in my jewelry box that has a clipping of her hair in it, but I touch the frame that hides her ashes behind her photo each morning and let her know she is still as important to me over 2 years after she left her mortal body as she ever was.....and I mean every word of it 

...a smile....

....right this very minute, i can feel her in my heart.... love.

....2 years....and my heart still aches...but it also smiles.

I miss teatea.  It has been 2 years since I held her on that last inevitable day.  I still have a lock of her hair tucked away in a drawer that I cannot get myself to open.  I still have a sign up in my bedroom that reminds me "5 minutes does NOT erase 19 years".....as the 5 minutes of having her put down was one of the most difficult moments in my life.  I still wear her collar every day......and i miss her.  
     But now between the misses and tears there are times when the memories of teatea make me smile.  Once, just once, I felt her ginger steps across my bed at night, stopping where she stopped every night just to stare at me to see if I was asleep.  I didn't open my eyes....I just stayed with that magical feeling of knowing she was there.  It made me smile.  Do I think that was the only time she's been with me?? Not a chance in hell.....she's with me every day, always strong, always comforting.....
     I believe that the biggest challenge that anyone faces with the death of a loved one is figuring out how to move the relationship that happened with a physical presence to one without a physical presence.....it happens differently for everyone....in their own time.  I am still in love with teatea.   Every day, she brings me joy.  We're in our 21st year of the most incredible relationship.....and i miss her. 

....the second time...(??)

It's been awhile since my last post here....Teatea is with me every day, present in my heart, and for this I am eternally grateful.  I miss her physically so much that my heart aches (and yes, I still have huge crying jags about missing her), but I have no doubt she's here. Inside my soul, as a part of me.
....so what's the title of this entry about then? Ah, well the second time.  This week I had to go through another euthanasia of a pet....and after Teatea's (which I didn't feel went well at all) I was dreading it.  And of course my husband was away on a  trip when it became apparent it was "the day"....

Details: Stella, my 9 year old border collie/australian shepherd cross was diagnosed with lymphosarcoma in February of this year.  I originally went in saying "NO CHEMO" as I thought it was like people chemo, and how do you explain to a critter that lives for the present that they're going to feel hideous for awhile but then they might feel better and live a bit longer??  You can't really....so I said no chemo.....and then learned something.  For lymphosarcoma, chemo can be really effective....like 50%-80% in dogs, and there are usually no side effects.  3 pills, 3 times.  That's it. After insurance, $128.  Really?  REALLY??  Shoot, lets go for it.  Well, we did, and it extended Stella's life until last Wednesday with literally no side effects.  The vet explained to me that it was because the chemo dosage levels in people are meant to cure the cancer, whereas the dosage levels in pets are just to cause a remission and hopefully extend their life.  I am glad to know this now, and I will also be careful to what I rule out by medical anthropomorphizing in the future!

Onward: The euthanasia.  I learned from my experience with Teatea....and am better for it. I learned what I needed to do ahead of time (give the vet specific instructions on how to approach my furry friend, have arrangements for afterwards done ahead of time, etc.)  I am happy to say that I also had more of my wits about me this time.  When the time came for the final injection with Stella, I made sure I was laying down next to her, face to face, on the upwind side, so she could smell that I was there as she eased into her next life. Also, instead of reciting a litany of things that I needed to say to her before she went that meant nothing to her, (you were the best dog in the world, we'll miss you we'll take care of your friend Buick, etc.) I repeated her favorite phrase over and over again with vigor and enthusiasm (which is really hard to do while you're crying, by the way) "Good GIRL Stella. Good GIRL, Stella".....until she left her silly body that quit on her way too soon.  Sure I cried....blubbered is more the correct word.....but I know that I sent Stella off knowing I  was pleased with her and with permission to go.  So there you go.  I've learned something from even the most horrible of situations.  Ask questions, even when you think you can't remember them. Be solid for your furry friend....be upwind and say the things that they loved to hear, even if it sounds ridiculous while you're crying....and know that they never ever truly leave you.....

...a constant connection....

finally, as promised, here are photos of teatea's collar, which i have worn every day since she physically left my life.  I can't tell you how much comfort it brings, knowing that she wore this every day of her physical life here and now it's my turn...I wear it to be where she was (inside the collar!) and to remind me that she's always with me, whether she's gone from this physical world or not....but sometimes it seems that us humans need a physical reminder...and I'm so very lucky to have one.  My heart still aches if I let it, but these days I try to let it settle on the memories and not on the pain.  Tough work, but it makes me strong.  I miss her.

...it's been ages....but my heart is still full...

It's been eons since I've posted here.....at least it feels that way.  Teatea is always in my thoughts, even on the bad days it's at LEAST once a day when I put her collar on that I wear as a bracelet (I must take a photo of it to post here...).  Even with the kittens (who are getting close to turning a year old) running around like beserk over-caffeinated cirque du soliel performers.  And even through finding out that my 9 year old Border collie/australian shepherd Stella has lymphoma.  You know, every time I realize I may have to make that hideous decision about when quality of life for a pet has crossed into the "not worth it" category....and every time I realize I won't be able to explain to them what I'm about to consider and how more than anything I'd like them to tell me when that time comes......and everytime I think about the trust they have and that in the moment of their greatest need I will both fail them and "do them right"..... and every time I think about the grieving and the guilt afterwards about what I did and didn't do.......I say to myself "I'll NEVER get another pet as long as I live.  I can't handle it."   Well, doesn't that just sound like the most sensible and the most idiotic thing for me to say on the planet.  Both at the same time.  Life is so fleeting, tender, and painful at time that I think I won't survive.....at those time I think it's possible for my own thoughts to cave me inward and I wish for numbness.....but there are the other critters here that rely on me for the same love that I showered on those that are gone and those that are still here.  I have promised.  And I have promised in advance (like an idiot) the same to all those that come next.  I just wish it didn't hurt so bad.  The double edged sword.....what fuels the love, feeds the pain.  Here I go again....as I always will.....

...the holidays and the memories that come with them...

Anyone who has ever had a cat during the holidays knows that they affect "how you do things" this time of year. Ribbon on gifts? Oh, certainly NOT before the last minute when you're actually handing the gift to the person! Tinsel on the tree? Not unless you want the biggest gift of all to go to your veterinarian! Explaining little tiny puncture marks at the corner of every gift bag? Necessary. [= I miss Teatea this time of year. She was a string-obsessed fool that would dig dental floss out of garbage cans (gross), pull strings out of towels (hang-em high, folks!) and when she was wee, she would eat my hair while I was sleeping....strange noise to be woken (is that a word?) up by, but i eventually got that one solved somehow.... This year I was pulling stuff (what I call xmas garnish) out a bag of ribbon to be reused/recycled and on the corner of the ziploc bag were all those wee puncture marks....the sign of teatea. It made me very sad, but made her instantly "present" in my thoughts, and that made me smile. She trained us well for the new kittens (especially because Squeebert has a penchant for string-like things), so every day that i miss her, i also thank her... she still fills my heart everyday with love and companionship...what more can one ask for?

..........

....still wearing her collar as a bracelet every day......still thinking of her, but probably more smiling than tears....i reckon this stage is exactly why they invented the phrase "bittersweet memories".....

more land mines....this one is a month long...

oh, all you creative people out there with ageing furry family members, beware the "create your own calendar" landmine...... In December of last year, I made a calendar on Snapfish (better than Shutterfly...I did both one year to compare) of my own photos so that I could have my own pictures at work...and even BETTER, have a new one every month! Well, as you loyal readers know, I had to euthanize Teatea on February 1st of this year..... I have a photo of her at my desk that I see every day, and because I know it's there, I'm prepared for the visual reminder that she's not with me (physically) any longer..... BUT back to the calendar. You know where this is going, don't you...yep. The month of October is a photo of Teatea sleeping with a toy mouse. It is literally a land mine that triggers tears every time I look up and have forgotten it's there. Husband says cover it up. Can't. Guilt and homage to her unconditional love would never let me do that. Take it down? Never. So once every so many days I have to close my office door and let the tears flow....good thing I don't have a cubicle......

my first thoughts in the morning.....

Even with teatea being gone for over 6 months now, the other morning I woke up thinking of her....it was a startling thought to begin the day with, and even though we now have two furballs living with us (see www(d0t)fuzzyjoy(d0t)blogspot (dot) com) it didn't soften the blow.....and i'm surprisingly kind of glad that even though we have the 2 new weans that they haven't "taken the place" or "filled the hole in my heart" left by teatea. They keep us busy, sure, but the missing is still there. As the kittens (4 months and 5 months now) rip around the house, shredding, biting and generally misaligning everything they come in contact with, I miss my quiet old lady in a very different way. When someone runs across our heads at 3am ....4 times in a row to wake us up, i miss my quiet old opinionated teatea even more!!! So here's to you and your elderly years, teatea....they are appreciated as much now as they were when you were here. xxxxxx

...6 months later...did i actually make it through this long???

...last weekend i realized that it had been 6 months to the day that I had to put Teatea down. Funny how i can't remember someone's name I just met, but yet i can create an internal clock that reminds me of a painful half-anniversary and not even know that I did. bad brain. ]= When the realization hit me, I found myself blank-staring at the wall in my room, sitting on the bed where we had her put down. Then the tears came. I never stop them from coming...they seem to honor her and how very important she is/was to me in the course of our everyday life together....so the tears came. Then i realized i didn't have any kleenex....all i had was this single ply seventh generation toilet paper that disintegrates on contact with water, which eventually became hilarious as I picked shreds of tear-soaked toilet paper from all over my face and the bed around me. So I laughed and cried until the headache came (from crying) and laid down and took a nap....what else was there to do? sigh....such a rough and melancholy journey we're forced to go on when we love and lose like we do. I still have some of her hair that I cut from the back of her neck before the creamatorium came to pick up her body.....I put it in a ziplock bag and stuffed it into my jewelry box....and haven't worn a piece of jewelry from that drawer in 6 months. I can't get myself to look. But I know it's there....and I'm glad it is. I'm also glad that I had Teatea creamated. She hated outdoors and only knew the world that we were in together, so that's where she'll stay forever. I don't exactly know how you can get your pets ashes mixed in with your own when you die, but that's my plan. If I'm lucky, by the time that time comes, I'll need one heck of a big urn for me and all my well-loved critters..... sigh. i miss Teatea. And I'm sure she knows it. (By the by, I asked her to send the next one that needed us =^..^= and she has.....she is hell on wheels and only 4 months old. See www.fuzzyjoy.blogspot.com to watch how well we cope with a kitten who's going for partial global domination by the end of this year. I think I'm going to have to resort to clicker training on this one....sigh....thanks Teatea...we did ask for it though, didn't we?! [=

misses....and lots of them.

I can't believe that teatea has been gone for so long. In the quiet moments when I sit and remember her face on the bed it feels to painful to have been as long as it has been. Memories don't fade, but life does go on, and i miss the comfort my weird old cat brought me. I miss how she would hear my crying and come up to see exactly where my face needed touching with a paw. I even miss her nasty old lady breath. I hope she knows....wherever she is.

time might stop the bleeding, but it won't heal the hole in my heart....

...it's been exactly 4 months that teatea hasn't been around in the physical sense.  Of course, she's in my thoughts, my laughter, my tears and everthing else (even in my work, as her photo is on my desk and sometimes is the only thing that makes me smile there...it's a miserable place currently) but my innies still ache when i think about her.  I still wear her collar every day, and it's show it's wear, but I can't decide to stop wearing it to save it or to keep wearing it because it brings me comfort....  I don't burn a candle every night anymore (mostly cuz we're having to run fans all the time because it's so hot here) but i do leave the music on for her every day.... so many little memories stay with me....she used to love canned peas and I'd roll them across the floor and she'd chase them like little edible bugs.... how she used to drag that "rabbit fur mouse on a long spring attached to a round carpeted circle of wood" thing around the house with the wood thing between her back legs so that she walked like a drunk, meowing the whole time with that silly hairy mouse in her mouth.... how she was mortified of helium balloons (it was the only time she EVER passed on leaving teethmarks on ribbon, trust me!) ....so many things that are missed.  I have a foster cat currently, and although he's a sweet old man (7 and a recent front leg amputee),  I can tell he won't be with me for the rest of my days....I reckon there'll have to be a little of teatea in the next one.....i sure hope so.  

...time passes, but memories stay...

...it's been awhile since I've posted, as life has been busy. Teatea is never far from the front of my thoughts, and always in my heart. The kittens in the back room are now 8 weeks old and full of WAY too much energy (well, compared to a 18+ year old cat anyways!) and I love them all dearly for their personality, joy de vivre and hilarity...but none has the power to help me completely numb the pain of losing my best furry friend.

Teatea's most memorable (and at time mortifying) traits was her ability to scare the bejeezus out of just about anyone. One time she chased a construction worker out of my home (we were adding a wee bathroom onto our small one bedroom home)...he had to hide behind a laundry basket and wave it by his feet to get out unscathed. It happened again with a home repair guy....this one used his tool bag to escape. The funniest (and possibly scariest) was when I was minding my own business doing sit ups (yes this was a long time ago) on my floor....Teatea was about 15 or so and I think she had a sanity break, because all of a sudden she was on my face ~grabbing my head with her front claws, biting my face and rabbit kicking under my chin...with great intent. One minute I was doing situps, the next minute my face was being attacked my very own cat. Who even knows what was going through her mind at that time. I know what was going through mine though!! "WHAT THE??!!!!" [= I still miss her...despite the regular blood draws. She still makes me smile...... =^..^=

rainy day and loving thoughts....

....i had a good cry last night about teatea.....someone I know asked me how she got her name and I explained that she was constantly stealing tea out of mugs left unattended....the only sign that she had been there was little "unexplained" puddles of tea around the mug....i miss her.

thursday blues....

...today I found myself thinking of teatea at work during one of the trivial disputes between self-pontificating managers....and let myself go back to the moments when we put her down....and in a fit of self- punishment, allowed me to glimpse what she may have experienced during some of her last moments....somehow I yanked myself away from that abyss of despair and made myself go back to more pleasant memories....like the day I threw her onto my ex-husband's face....no, really, it was an accident....but a hilarious one at that.

teatea was a scrapper with other cats.  they were NOT acceptable in her home.  I was living with my sister, who decided that she would get a cat as well, and we had them on a rotation schedule....teatea out at night, foosil (her cat) out during the day.  Well, teatea was out and out came foosil.  Brawl.  teatea was quick and sharp, so I broke it up by grabbing her scruff and kind of flinging her off of foosil (not the brightest or quickest of cats)....well, i never dreamed of envisioning her trajectory pattern during the launch....but quickly realized the shortcomings of my plan when over my right shoulder I hear this "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!"  I turned around to see my previously napping husband laying on the sofa with a very very angry cat on his face....during the launch and trajectory teatea had managed to right herself to land claws down....right on my husband's head.  He was not pleased.  I could not stop laughing.  This is not the reason he is an exhusband.  I found out later that he deserved it more than just a bit.   [=   

...the candle still burns....

...although the spare room is filled with fuzzy little balls of wonder (foster kittens), the candle still burns in my bedroom for teatea....and will for quite some time.  I'm still wearing her collar as a bracelet and am already dreading the day when the leather gives way and I can't wear it any longer....her 2 favorite toys are still in the cat bed that we replaced after her death, because we couldn't stand to see the foot of the bed empty of her "kittycave" (sadly she had an accident in hers, so we couldn't keep it)...and the pet stairs still lead up to the bed, where she is welcome any time her new life finds her in the neighborhood.  I miss her.  It makes my heart ache how much I miss her.  I can't let myself think that I'll never see her again...I couldn't bear the pain of that....so I refuse the thought every time it tries to enter my head, choosing instead to know that somehow she is near me always....because that's where she always chose to be.  The thought of her being gone makes my heart hurt to the point of immobilizing me....but the memory of her and the knowing she's very very near makes me smile.....

...today, a change.....

Teatea has been gone for one month today.....such an empty feeling in my home and in my heart still.  I think everyone that has (or has had) an elderly cat really tries to "relish" every moment we're given as the furry family member comes toward the end of it's life....trying to appreciate every time they say hello to you (no matter how busy or late for work you are) and attempting to remember everything....the pitch of their purr, the way they smell (although sometimes that isn't too pleasant!) the way they communicate their changing needs to you.  Well, here I am just one month in to the loss of teatea, and I worry that I'm forgetting things that I was meaning to honor for the rest of my life.  I reckon that I forgot that I'm in the process of getting old too!!   [=  

It wasn't on purpose that a change is coming exactly one month after teatea's death.  It was just that "timing" that happens in life.  My husband and I really miss having a furry being in the house (teatea was an "only cat" indoors, by her rules).  I know that I'm nowhere near ready for a permanent resident to be chosen, so I have decided to "foster" cats in need in the meantime.  One cat, perhaps a couple of kittens, depending on what the needs of the humane society were.  I called and they said they had a 1 year old female that was about to give birth and would I be interested in taking the cat and her kittens after she had them and they all checked out to be healthy....sure.  A 1 year old first time mom would probably have....what....about 3 or 4 kittens.  Wrong.  She had 6 healthy kittens.   Six.  So today I am heading down to the shelter to pick up 7 cats....why does it feel like I should be heading to St. Ives instead????   (more later...) 

.....teatea's little idiosyncrasies..... [=

memories!!

dang, there are so many after 19 years....one of the silliest thing that teatea used to do (and I have no idea how it started) was that if you licked your thumb, she would drop her head so that you could rub it on the outside of the tope of her ear.... and would actually wait for you to do the other one.  Shared grooming, go figure.  

....memory.....video....how lucky i am to have it!

teatea loved to use her paw to ask for attention....