...it's been ages....but my heart is still full...

It's been eons since I've posted here.....at least it feels that way.  Teatea is always in my thoughts, even on the bad days it's at LEAST once a day when I put her collar on that I wear as a bracelet (I must take a photo of it to post here...).  Even with the kittens (who are getting close to turning a year old) running around like beserk over-caffeinated cirque du soliel performers.  And even through finding out that my 9 year old Border collie/australian shepherd Stella has lymphoma.  You know, every time I realize I may have to make that hideous decision about when quality of life for a pet has crossed into the "not worth it" category....and every time I realize I won't be able to explain to them what I'm about to consider and how more than anything I'd like them to tell me when that time comes......and everytime I think about the trust they have and that in the moment of their greatest need I will both fail them and "do them right"..... and every time I think about the grieving and the guilt afterwards about what I did and didn't do.......I say to myself "I'll NEVER get another pet as long as I live.  I can't handle it."   Well, doesn't that just sound like the most sensible and the most idiotic thing for me to say on the planet.  Both at the same time.  Life is so fleeting, tender, and painful at time that I think I won't survive.....at those time I think it's possible for my own thoughts to cave me inward and I wish for numbness.....but there are the other critters here that rely on me for the same love that I showered on those that are gone and those that are still here.  I have promised.  And I have promised in advance (like an idiot) the same to all those that come next.  I just wish it didn't hurt so bad.  The double edged sword.....what fuels the love, feeds the pain.  Here I go again....as I always will.....