2009....it was yesterday....

I am so very glad that I created this blog.  No, I still can't get myself to go back and read my first posts here....but I know they have helped.  The posts have not only helped me get through those desperately lonely and sad times, but whenever my friends and fellow feline lovers go through the loss of a pet I have referred them to these posts and it has made them....in their words "feel more normal" about what they've been feeling.  And that makes me feel good.

It's been almost 3 years since Teatea left my physical world and become whole in my soul.  She is with me every moment.  I wear her collar every day and it still make me happy.  It reminds me she is with me always and for that I am grateful.  The day I had to let Teatea leave her physical body I cut some of her hair and put it in my jewelry box.  That drawer hasn't been opened yet.  I'm not ready.  I don't know if I ever will be, and I don't know what I'll do with it....but it's there. She was my furry soulmate for almost 19 years, and I don't expect to know all the answers in the 3 years she's been missing from my physical world.

I still cry. Sometimes the missing is so strong that it's the only way I can express it.  Oh, I have other kittens that I love with all my heart (you can see them here), but Teatea was different.  She was my one and only for just shy of 19 years.  From my 29th year all the way to my 48th year, she was by my side, sleeping with me, waiting for me at the door when I came home.  Do I feel I failed her in any way? Of course.  I think all good pet owners feel that they have failed their pet in some way or another....should have known something, should have spent more time, should have..... and "should haves" are what we torture ourselves with, until we realize we did the best we could with the knowledge we had and who we were at the time.  Maybe hindsight brings clarity, but it doesn't change the fact that we did the best we knew how to do at that time....and that's all we can ask ourselves for.

I will probably write posts for this blog til the day it's my turn to leave my physical body.... I imagine it won't be with the regularity that others write for their blogs.  But since Teatea never leaves my soul, there will always be something to share, even if it's only on the anniversary of her birth (February 14th....and thats no fib.  She was born at my sister's house, so we know it's the truth! )  Valentine's Day will always include a special celebration for me...forever.

...a smile....

....right this very minute, i can feel her in my heart.... love.

...6 months later...did i actually make it through this long???

...last weekend i realized that it had been 6 months to the day that I had to put Teatea down. Funny how i can't remember someone's name I just met, but yet i can create an internal clock that reminds me of a painful half-anniversary and not even know that I did. bad brain. ]= When the realization hit me, I found myself blank-staring at the wall in my room, sitting on the bed where we had her put down. Then the tears came. I never stop them from coming...they seem to honor her and how very important she is/was to me in the course of our everyday life together....so the tears came. Then i realized i didn't have any kleenex....all i had was this single ply seventh generation toilet paper that disintegrates on contact with water, which eventually became hilarious as I picked shreds of tear-soaked toilet paper from all over my face and the bed around me. So I laughed and cried until the headache came (from crying) and laid down and took a nap....what else was there to do? sigh....such a rough and melancholy journey we're forced to go on when we love and lose like we do. I still have some of her hair that I cut from the back of her neck before the creamatorium came to pick up her body.....I put it in a ziplock bag and stuffed it into my jewelry box....and haven't worn a piece of jewelry from that drawer in 6 months. I can't get myself to look. But I know it's there....and I'm glad it is. I'm also glad that I had Teatea creamated. She hated outdoors and only knew the world that we were in together, so that's where she'll stay forever. I don't exactly know how you can get your pets ashes mixed in with your own when you die, but that's my plan. If I'm lucky, by the time that time comes, I'll need one heck of a big urn for me and all my well-loved critters..... sigh. i miss Teatea. And I'm sure she knows it. (By the by, I asked her to send the next one that needed us =^..^= and she has.....she is hell on wheels and only 4 months old. See www.fuzzyjoy.blogspot.com to watch how well we cope with a kitten who's going for partial global domination by the end of this year. I think I'm going to have to resort to clicker training on this one....sigh....thanks Teatea...we did ask for it though, didn't we?! [=

first day back at work....first day without her being waiting to greet me afterwards....

...lots of folks have said "the best thing in the world for you is to go back to work. It'll get your mind off of it."  well, that's true...for brief moments.  But the awkward tears and the drop of a hat are a little hard to explain to co-workers, especially for those who have never learned how to make a pet become a true family member (and i don't mean by dressing them up in clothes and treating them like people).  These are the "oh for god sakes, just get over it. It was a CAT" people....so I told only one person at work today....one I knew would understand.  She helped ease my workday by staying and talking about her experiences with death and pets for about 45 minutes..... which i truly appreciated.  There are photos of teatea at work....little reminders...even down to a bit of fluffy cat hair I found stuck on my shirt.  I cried as I took it outside to blow away in the breeze ~ I couldn't get myself to put it in the garbage bin.  Every bit of teatea means so much now that she's not physically with me.  Husband (who is out of work currently) told me that he left the music on in the bedroom for her today....that brought such comfort.  I wore her collar today for the first time (as a bracelet, of course) and when my heart began to ache, I would touch it on my wrist and know that somehow we are connected still.  

I was "ok" at work....the grief was like a lowgrade fever that slowed me down, but the work was a minor distraction.  I'm not going to win any awards for "employee of the year" with my performance, that's for sure.  The hard part was getting in my car to drive home.  I have a long history of grieving while I drive, which as far as I'm concerned is sometimes as bad as drinking and driving....get to sobbing too hard and you can't see anything.  But driving is my down time, and so the grief comes.  The second wave hit as I walked in the door at home after work.....and her furry face wasn't there to greet me, or be woken up by my big moonhead peeking into her kitty cave.  I keep a candle lit in the bedroom at night for her...and yes, for me.  It's a "WoodWick" candle that sounds like a wee fireplace when it burns, and i know the sound would have fascinated her. Little tiny pops and crackles (for those of you who currently have a cat, you might want to keep an eye on them if they're still young enough to get into trouble around these candles!) are hyp-mo-tizing and comforting at the same time.  

I've had the usual thoughts again today....did she truly know how much she was loved here?  Am I going to be able to make it through this?  Do i ever WANT to get over this? And of course, the usual amount of energy to push the negative thoughts to the side as much as I can.  I don't want her memory to fade.  I'm hoping that as I process all these feelings in this blog that eventually I'll be able to get to the part where I start saving memories here....ones that have made me a part of her and her a part of me.  That's the goal.  For now, there's just pain, grief, fear, anguish, and knowing that I did what I had to do.  I could only be this strong for her.

...the time has come and now she's physically gone from our lives...

.....i don't think i've ever been more brave and more scared and more mortified.  The home vet called today and said she could come over at 1pm.  I said yes.  I don't know how i managed to get those words out of my mouth, but i did.  i spent last night up with teatea helping her get to her litter box and water bowl....she's been drinking more, but I could still only get about a half teaspoon of babyfood into her.  No, i didn't use a syringe....this all MUST be on her terms as much as possible.  It was soooooo horrible watching a proud, stubborn cat like teatea have to be helped to the litterbox....and i know it was humiliating for her.  For just shy of 19 years I've shared so much with her that we pretty much know each other like we ARE each other.  She's not happy.  She's also very VERY pissed off that her body is quitting on her.  Her breathing isn't great...she has to pause after drinking and sometimes gasp from her mouth once to get serious airflow.  Her road to kidney failure is apparent and has been for some time.  She has started to have some sort of problem swallowing and makes a "squelching" noise when she does swallow.  And the loss of the use of most of her hind end....well, the others were ongoing and affected quality of life, but not like this.  This is unacceptable to cat that is independent and opinionated.  In my heart I believe this was why she stopped eating 4 days ago.  She could feel it coming on.....

Anyhow, perhaps in the future I'll be able to write more about the moments of actually putting her down, but I can't right now.  It tears at my heart and soul too much.  For now, I will just say that even though I never got "that look" that everyone speaks of (she was far too pissed off to waste any time with an "i give in" look [=  ) that I know it was time.  I never wanted her to leave me.  But that wasn't an option.  She didn't want to live like that....I didn't want to watch my proud best friend decline into more pain and more frustration.... so I helped her in the only way I knew how...by freeing her from this hideous struggle that came at the end of her life.  

Someone on one of the boards I belong to send me a piece of writing about letting your pet leave by giving them the "gift" of freedom from their suffering.... I'll post it here because I'd never seen it before, and it helped when I read it.

The Greatest Gift

I always knew this time would come,

From the very instant our eyes first met.

How I loved you then! How I lvoe you now!

I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...

You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal;

You will not know the loss of a life remembered, now gone.

It is for me alone to make this decision,

The price for the bright joy and pure laughter

You brought me during the time we shared.

I am the only one who can decide when it is time.

When my hope dies, and my fear rides high,

Just when I need you most, I must let you go.

It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready

For without your guidance, I will not know

When to lay my grief, my guilt, my anger

My sorrow and my selfish heart aside

and give you this last gift, this greatest gift.

You eyes will speak to mine and I will know.

The pain of this moment is excruciating.  

Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow. 

And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.

For you have spoken and I have listened, 

and unlike other decisions I have made

This one brings no relief...no comfort...no peace.

For if there's one thing you've taught me

If there's only one thing I've learned....

Unconditional love has a condition after all,

I must be willing to let you go, when you speak to me

I must be willing to help you go, if you cannot go alone

And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.

Go easily now, go quickly now,

Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.

Go find your strength, go find your youth

Go find the ones who have gone before you

You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar

Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.

I pray I will find comfort in my memories...

in the dark and lonely days ahead.

I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.

For only my tears can heal my broken heart.

But I promise you this; as long as I live, 

You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.

So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,

And this will be my greatest gift...sending you away.

It is the measure of my unconditional love....

For only the greatest love can say

"Goodbye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,

Loving you has been the greatest gift of all."

By Karla Bertram

11/23/96

...the day i have always dreaded has arrived....

.....one thing about the internet is that is sure is a good place to pour your feelings out...I am going to have to put my best friend down on Monday and I don't know what to do with all the emotions that I've dreaded since she turned 14 (for some reason that was the cut-off date for elderly to OLD cat for me)..she will be just shy of her 19th birthday on valentine's day.  The most difficult part is that her mind is clear and bright....but her arthritis has finally gotten to the point where one of her hind legs doesn't work and the other is weakened so much that she can't walk further than 4 or 5 steps. She stopped eating about 4 days ago, but is still drinking and with help, getting to the litterbox. We've been giving subQ fluids for the last 3 days and she's gotten a bit brighter, but that still won't change her hind end.....her decline over the last 3 days has been so quick that it's been heartwrenching.  I just had a home vet come yesterday and she stated that the cat was "not ready to be put down quite yet" based on heart, gums, palpating and pee test.  And now, becaus ethe home vet doesn't work on Sunday, it has to wait til Monday morning....(office vet not an option.)  My cat is still crawling out of her bed whenever she hears my dh and I come into the room, which breaks my heart and makes me so proud of her at the same time.  I can't believe the time is here.  Perhaps I'd find it easier if she was visually in pain....or if she was obviously senile and not knowing who we were, but perhaps that's where the blessing lies....it will be tougher for us but perhaps an easier ending for her.