...the time has come and now she's physically gone from our lives...

.....i don't think i've ever been more brave and more scared and more mortified.  The home vet called today and said she could come over at 1pm.  I said yes.  I don't know how i managed to get those words out of my mouth, but i did.  i spent last night up with teatea helping her get to her litter box and water bowl....she's been drinking more, but I could still only get about a half teaspoon of babyfood into her.  No, i didn't use a syringe....this all MUST be on her terms as much as possible.  It was soooooo horrible watching a proud, stubborn cat like teatea have to be helped to the litterbox....and i know it was humiliating for her.  For just shy of 19 years I've shared so much with her that we pretty much know each other like we ARE each other.  She's not happy.  She's also very VERY pissed off that her body is quitting on her.  Her breathing isn't great...she has to pause after drinking and sometimes gasp from her mouth once to get serious airflow.  Her road to kidney failure is apparent and has been for some time.  She has started to have some sort of problem swallowing and makes a "squelching" noise when she does swallow.  And the loss of the use of most of her hind end....well, the others were ongoing and affected quality of life, but not like this.  This is unacceptable to cat that is independent and opinionated.  In my heart I believe this was why she stopped eating 4 days ago.  She could feel it coming on.....

Anyhow, perhaps in the future I'll be able to write more about the moments of actually putting her down, but I can't right now.  It tears at my heart and soul too much.  For now, I will just say that even though I never got "that look" that everyone speaks of (she was far too pissed off to waste any time with an "i give in" look [=  ) that I know it was time.  I never wanted her to leave me.  But that wasn't an option.  She didn't want to live like that....I didn't want to watch my proud best friend decline into more pain and more frustration.... so I helped her in the only way I knew how...by freeing her from this hideous struggle that came at the end of her life.  

Someone on one of the boards I belong to send me a piece of writing about letting your pet leave by giving them the "gift" of freedom from their suffering.... I'll post it here because I'd never seen it before, and it helped when I read it.

The Greatest Gift

I always knew this time would come,

From the very instant our eyes first met.

How I loved you then! How I lvoe you now!

I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...

You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal;

You will not know the loss of a life remembered, now gone.

It is for me alone to make this decision,

The price for the bright joy and pure laughter

You brought me during the time we shared.

I am the only one who can decide when it is time.

When my hope dies, and my fear rides high,

Just when I need you most, I must let you go.

It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready

For without your guidance, I will not know

When to lay my grief, my guilt, my anger

My sorrow and my selfish heart aside

and give you this last gift, this greatest gift.

You eyes will speak to mine and I will know.

The pain of this moment is excruciating.  

Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow. 

And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.

For you have spoken and I have listened, 

and unlike other decisions I have made

This one brings no relief...no comfort...no peace.

For if there's one thing you've taught me

If there's only one thing I've learned....

Unconditional love has a condition after all,

I must be willing to let you go, when you speak to me

I must be willing to help you go, if you cannot go alone

And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.

Go easily now, go quickly now,

Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.

Go find your strength, go find your youth

Go find the ones who have gone before you

You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar

Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.

I pray I will find comfort in my memories...

in the dark and lonely days ahead.

I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.

For only my tears can heal my broken heart.

But I promise you this; as long as I live, 

You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.

So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,

And this will be my greatest gift...sending you away.

It is the measure of my unconditional love....

For only the greatest love can say

"Goodbye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,

Loving you has been the greatest gift of all."

By Karla Bertram

11/23/96