...a smile....

....right this very minute, i can feel her in my heart.... love.

....2 years....and my heart still aches...but it also smiles.

I miss teatea.  It has been 2 years since I held her on that last inevitable day.  I still have a lock of her hair tucked away in a drawer that I cannot get myself to open.  I still have a sign up in my bedroom that reminds me "5 minutes does NOT erase 19 years".....as the 5 minutes of having her put down was one of the most difficult moments in my life.  I still wear her collar every day......and i miss her.  
     But now between the misses and tears there are times when the memories of teatea make me smile.  Once, just once, I felt her ginger steps across my bed at night, stopping where she stopped every night just to stare at me to see if I was asleep.  I didn't open my eyes....I just stayed with that magical feeling of knowing she was there.  It made me smile.  Do I think that was the only time she's been with me?? Not a chance in hell.....she's with me every day, always strong, always comforting.....
     I believe that the biggest challenge that anyone faces with the death of a loved one is figuring out how to move the relationship that happened with a physical presence to one without a physical presence.....it happens differently for everyone....in their own time.  I am still in love with teatea.   Every day, she brings me joy.  We're in our 21st year of the most incredible relationship.....and i miss her. 

....the second time...(??)

It's been awhile since my last post here....Teatea is with me every day, present in my heart, and for this I am eternally grateful.  I miss her physically so much that my heart aches (and yes, I still have huge crying jags about missing her), but I have no doubt she's here. Inside my soul, as a part of me.
....so what's the title of this entry about then? Ah, well the second time.  This week I had to go through another euthanasia of a pet....and after Teatea's (which I didn't feel went well at all) I was dreading it.  And of course my husband was away on a  trip when it became apparent it was "the day"....

Details: Stella, my 9 year old border collie/australian shepherd cross was diagnosed with lymphosarcoma in February of this year.  I originally went in saying "NO CHEMO" as I thought it was like people chemo, and how do you explain to a critter that lives for the present that they're going to feel hideous for awhile but then they might feel better and live a bit longer??  You can't really....so I said no chemo.....and then learned something.  For lymphosarcoma, chemo can be really effective....like 50%-80% in dogs, and there are usually no side effects.  3 pills, 3 times.  That's it. After insurance, $128.  Really?  REALLY??  Shoot, lets go for it.  Well, we did, and it extended Stella's life until last Wednesday with literally no side effects.  The vet explained to me that it was because the chemo dosage levels in people are meant to cure the cancer, whereas the dosage levels in pets are just to cause a remission and hopefully extend their life.  I am glad to know this now, and I will also be careful to what I rule out by medical anthropomorphizing in the future!

Onward: The euthanasia.  I learned from my experience with Teatea....and am better for it. I learned what I needed to do ahead of time (give the vet specific instructions on how to approach my furry friend, have arrangements for afterwards done ahead of time, etc.)  I am happy to say that I also had more of my wits about me this time.  When the time came for the final injection with Stella, I made sure I was laying down next to her, face to face, on the upwind side, so she could smell that I was there as she eased into her next life. Also, instead of reciting a litany of things that I needed to say to her before she went that meant nothing to her, (you were the best dog in the world, we'll miss you we'll take care of your friend Buick, etc.) I repeated her favorite phrase over and over again with vigor and enthusiasm (which is really hard to do while you're crying, by the way) "Good GIRL Stella. Good GIRL, Stella".....until she left her silly body that quit on her way too soon.  Sure I cried....blubbered is more the correct word.....but I know that I sent Stella off knowing I  was pleased with her and with permission to go.  So there you go.  I've learned something from even the most horrible of situations.  Ask questions, even when you think you can't remember them. Be solid for your furry friend....be upwind and say the things that they loved to hear, even if it sounds ridiculous while you're crying....and know that they never ever truly leave you.....

...a constant connection....

finally, as promised, here are photos of teatea's collar, which i have worn every day since she physically left my life.  I can't tell you how much comfort it brings, knowing that she wore this every day of her physical life here and now it's my turn...I wear it to be where she was (inside the collar!) and to remind me that she's always with me, whether she's gone from this physical world or not....but sometimes it seems that us humans need a physical reminder...and I'm so very lucky to have one.  My heart still aches if I let it, but these days I try to let it settle on the memories and not on the pain.  Tough work, but it makes me strong.  I miss her.

...it's been ages....but my heart is still full...

It's been eons since I've posted here.....at least it feels that way.  Teatea is always in my thoughts, even on the bad days it's at LEAST once a day when I put her collar on that I wear as a bracelet (I must take a photo of it to post here...).  Even with the kittens (who are getting close to turning a year old) running around like beserk over-caffeinated cirque du soliel performers.  And even through finding out that my 9 year old Border collie/australian shepherd Stella has lymphoma.  You know, every time I realize I may have to make that hideous decision about when quality of life for a pet has crossed into the "not worth it" category....and every time I realize I won't be able to explain to them what I'm about to consider and how more than anything I'd like them to tell me when that time comes......and everytime I think about the trust they have and that in the moment of their greatest need I will both fail them and "do them right"..... and every time I think about the grieving and the guilt afterwards about what I did and didn't do.......I say to myself "I'll NEVER get another pet as long as I live.  I can't handle it."   Well, doesn't that just sound like the most sensible and the most idiotic thing for me to say on the planet.  Both at the same time.  Life is so fleeting, tender, and painful at time that I think I won't survive.....at those time I think it's possible for my own thoughts to cave me inward and I wish for numbness.....but there are the other critters here that rely on me for the same love that I showered on those that are gone and those that are still here.  I have promised.  And I have promised in advance (like an idiot) the same to all those that come next.  I just wish it didn't hurt so bad.  The double edged sword.....what fuels the love, feeds the pain.  Here I go again....as I always will.....

....one year on....

....and it still hurts.  A sense that someone is missing, most of the time.  A huge hole in my chest at others (when i let myself think about my missing her).  The grieving goes on, sometimes with smiles of memories, sometimes with giant tears and sobs of missing.  It can't be helped.  And if loving her less would bring less pain on this side of my relationship with Teatea...well, I couldn't even imagine myself going there.  Not for a second.  As time has verified, she was one of the most important beings in my life, and I feel strongly that she always will be that important to me.  Forever.

...the holidays and the memories that come with them...

Anyone who has ever had a cat during the holidays knows that they affect "how you do things" this time of year. Ribbon on gifts? Oh, certainly NOT before the last minute when you're actually handing the gift to the person! Tinsel on the tree? Not unless you want the biggest gift of all to go to your veterinarian! Explaining little tiny puncture marks at the corner of every gift bag? Necessary. [= I miss Teatea this time of year. She was a string-obsessed fool that would dig dental floss out of garbage cans (gross), pull strings out of towels (hang-em high, folks!) and when she was wee, she would eat my hair while I was sleeping....strange noise to be woken (is that a word?) up by, but i eventually got that one solved somehow.... This year I was pulling stuff (what I call xmas garnish) out a bag of ribbon to be reused/recycled and on the corner of the ziploc bag were all those wee puncture marks....the sign of teatea. It made me very sad, but made her instantly "present" in my thoughts, and that made me smile. She trained us well for the new kittens (especially because Squeebert has a penchant for string-like things), so every day that i miss her, i also thank her... she still fills my heart everyday with love and companionship...what more can one ask for?