...a constant connection....

finally, as promised, here are photos of teatea's collar, which i have worn every day since she physically left my life.  I can't tell you how much comfort it brings, knowing that she wore this every day of her physical life here and now it's my turn...I wear it to be where she was (inside the collar!) and to remind me that she's always with me, whether she's gone from this physical world or not....but sometimes it seems that us humans need a physical reminder...and I'm so very lucky to have one.  My heart still aches if I let it, but these days I try to let it settle on the memories and not on the pain.  Tough work, but it makes me strong.  I miss her.

...it's been ages....but my heart is still full...

It's been eons since I've posted here.....at least it feels that way.  Teatea is always in my thoughts, even on the bad days it's at LEAST once a day when I put her collar on that I wear as a bracelet (I must take a photo of it to post here...).  Even with the kittens (who are getting close to turning a year old) running around like beserk over-caffeinated cirque du soliel performers.  And even through finding out that my 9 year old Border collie/australian shepherd Stella has lymphoma.  You know, every time I realize I may have to make that hideous decision about when quality of life for a pet has crossed into the "not worth it" category....and every time I realize I won't be able to explain to them what I'm about to consider and how more than anything I'd like them to tell me when that time comes......and everytime I think about the trust they have and that in the moment of their greatest need I will both fail them and "do them right"..... and every time I think about the grieving and the guilt afterwards about what I did and didn't do.......I say to myself "I'll NEVER get another pet as long as I live.  I can't handle it."   Well, doesn't that just sound like the most sensible and the most idiotic thing for me to say on the planet.  Both at the same time.  Life is so fleeting, tender, and painful at time that I think I won't survive.....at those time I think it's possible for my own thoughts to cave me inward and I wish for numbness.....but there are the other critters here that rely on me for the same love that I showered on those that are gone and those that are still here.  I have promised.  And I have promised in advance (like an idiot) the same to all those that come next.  I just wish it didn't hurt so bad.  The double edged sword.....what fuels the love, feeds the pain.  Here I go again....as I always will.....

....one year on....

....and it still hurts.  A sense that someone is missing, most of the time.  A huge hole in my chest at others (when i let myself think about my missing her).  The grieving goes on, sometimes with smiles of memories, sometimes with giant tears and sobs of missing.  It can't be helped.  And if loving her less would bring less pain on this side of my relationship with Teatea...well, I couldn't even imagine myself going there.  Not for a second.  As time has verified, she was one of the most important beings in my life, and I feel strongly that she always will be that important to me.  Forever.

...the holidays and the memories that come with them...

Anyone who has ever had a cat during the holidays knows that they affect "how you do things" this time of year. Ribbon on gifts? Oh, certainly NOT before the last minute when you're actually handing the gift to the person! Tinsel on the tree? Not unless you want the biggest gift of all to go to your veterinarian! Explaining little tiny puncture marks at the corner of every gift bag? Necessary. [= I miss Teatea this time of year. She was a string-obsessed fool that would dig dental floss out of garbage cans (gross), pull strings out of towels (hang-em high, folks!) and when she was wee, she would eat my hair while I was sleeping....strange noise to be woken (is that a word?) up by, but i eventually got that one solved somehow.... This year I was pulling stuff (what I call xmas garnish) out a bag of ribbon to be reused/recycled and on the corner of the ziploc bag were all those wee puncture marks....the sign of teatea. It made me very sad, but made her instantly "present" in my thoughts, and that made me smile. She trained us well for the new kittens (especially because Squeebert has a penchant for string-like things), so every day that i miss her, i also thank her... she still fills my heart everyday with love and companionship...what more can one ask for?

..........

....still wearing her collar as a bracelet every day......still thinking of her, but probably more smiling than tears....i reckon this stage is exactly why they invented the phrase "bittersweet memories".....

more land mines....this one is a month long...

oh, all you creative people out there with ageing furry family members, beware the "create your own calendar" landmine...... In December of last year, I made a calendar on Snapfish (better than Shutterfly...I did both one year to compare) of my own photos so that I could have my own pictures at work...and even BETTER, have a new one every month! Well, as you loyal readers know, I had to euthanize Teatea on February 1st of this year..... I have a photo of her at my desk that I see every day, and because I know it's there, I'm prepared for the visual reminder that she's not with me (physically) any longer..... BUT back to the calendar. You know where this is going, don't you...yep. The month of October is a photo of Teatea sleeping with a toy mouse. It is literally a land mine that triggers tears every time I look up and have forgotten it's there. Husband says cover it up. Can't. Guilt and homage to her unconditional love would never let me do that. Take it down? Never. So once every so many days I have to close my office door and let the tears flow....good thing I don't have a cubicle......

my first thoughts in the morning.....

Even with teatea being gone for over 6 months now, the other morning I woke up thinking of her....it was a startling thought to begin the day with, and even though we now have two furballs living with us (see www(d0t)fuzzyjoy(d0t)blogspot (dot) com) it didn't soften the blow.....and i'm surprisingly kind of glad that even though we have the 2 new weans that they haven't "taken the place" or "filled the hole in my heart" left by teatea. They keep us busy, sure, but the missing is still there. As the kittens (4 months and 5 months now) rip around the house, shredding, biting and generally misaligning everything they come in contact with, I miss my quiet old lady in a very different way. When someone runs across our heads at 3am ....4 times in a row to wake us up, i miss my quiet old opinionated teatea even more!!! So here's to you and your elderly years, teatea....they are appreciated as much now as they were when you were here. xxxxxx