...every day....

teatea

you know, the "miss" is strong every day for me.  Maybe it's like those soldiers that come back from war without one of their limbs, but they say they can still feel it once in awhile, and can still feel the pain sometimes as well.... Teatea is in my thoughts everyday.  Not because of guilt, not because my 2 cats currently living in my home aren't "enough" (cuz trust me, they are more than enough at times!), but because she was my furry soulmate.  I am still wearing her collar as a bracelet every day to keep a part of her close to me, knowing that it's my turn to show who I belong to.  I cry every so often on my commute home because the missing is so strong, and I still...every so often....can feel her gingerly walk up from the bottom of the bed toward me....and those are the time I love the most. (and then I peek and I get so mad at myself for peeking cuz then the experience is over but I can't stop myself from peeking!! aauuggh!)   I still can't open the drawer in my jewelry box that has a clipping of her hair in it, but I touch the frame that hides her ashes behind her photo each morning and let her know she is still as important to me over 2 years after she left her mortal body as she ever was.....and I mean every word of it 

...a smile....

....right this very minute, i can feel her in my heart.... love.

....2 years....and my heart still aches...but it also smiles.

I miss teatea.  It has been 2 years since I held her on that last inevitable day.  I still have a lock of her hair tucked away in a drawer that I cannot get myself to open.  I still have a sign up in my bedroom that reminds me "5 minutes does NOT erase 19 years".....as the 5 minutes of having her put down was one of the most difficult moments in my life.  I still wear her collar every day......and i miss her.  
     But now between the misses and tears there are times when the memories of teatea make me smile.  Once, just once, I felt her ginger steps across my bed at night, stopping where she stopped every night just to stare at me to see if I was asleep.  I didn't open my eyes....I just stayed with that magical feeling of knowing she was there.  It made me smile.  Do I think that was the only time she's been with me?? Not a chance in hell.....she's with me every day, always strong, always comforting.....
     I believe that the biggest challenge that anyone faces with the death of a loved one is figuring out how to move the relationship that happened with a physical presence to one without a physical presence.....it happens differently for everyone....in their own time.  I am still in love with teatea.   Every day, she brings me joy.  We're in our 21st year of the most incredible relationship.....and i miss her.