For those who are new to their grief due to the death of a pet....

You are in the right place.  This blog is about my struggles with the death of my furry soulmate Teatea.  Chances are I led you to this blog, so that you might have the chance to know that what you're going through ( the irrational thought, the blaming yourself, etc.) is all a part of what  I went through. You are normal.  You are grieving.

There is no time frame for grieving. It has been over 5 years since Teatea left her rickety worn-out body, and I think of her every day.  I still wear her collar as a bracelet.  She is with me in everything I do, though in a different way than before. Oddly enough, in her death she had truly shaped who I am.....moreso than she did while she was alive.... which sounds crazy, but it's true.

IMPORTANT!! TO READ THIS BLOG:

When reading this blog, you MUST start with the earliest post. On the right hand side of the page you are looking at, there is a menu that will link you to the month/year that posts were made.  Start with the earliest year and once it takes you to the posts made in that year, scroll to the very bottom.... there you should find a post dated February 1st.  This is my very first post, written the day I had to have Teatea euthanized.  From there, you will scroll up, to read the posts in order.  Blogger won't let me reverse the order of the posts for some reason.

I hope my blog helps you with your journey through your grief, because that's what it truly is....a journey through. Remember that and be kind to yourself....it is what your pet would have wanted.

Teatea and her gross but favorite toy "The family vet"

This post is long over due. I am still surprised every so often by a heart that still aches...one that catches me off guard with the newness of grief...but how can that be? It's been over 3 years now since Teatea left her physical place with me in this world and I've grown to love her in a deeper, less physical way. How can the feeling still be so raw at time....so timeless?  I let myself cry....to remember the funny things about her that made her Teatea.  I still torture myself with thoughts of "did I fail her?" "did I give her a good life?"....but really, what good are these thoughts? I can create anything i want in my mind to either make myself feel better or horrible.... truly even Teatea doesn't know the answers to these things, as she and I only shared one life ~ the one me made together.  And the bottom line is that I would change one dang moment about that.  I miss her with all my heart, and in my soul she stays safe and warm and loved...forever.

2009....it was yesterday....

I am so very glad that I created this blog.  No, I still can't get myself to go back and read my first posts here....but I know they have helped.  The posts have not only helped me get through those desperately lonely and sad times, but whenever my friends and fellow feline lovers go through the loss of a pet I have referred them to these posts and it has made them....in their words "feel more normal" about what they've been feeling.  And that makes me feel good.

It's been almost 3 years since Teatea left my physical world and become whole in my soul.  She is with me every moment.  I wear her collar every day and it still make me happy.  It reminds me she is with me always and for that I am grateful.  The day I had to let Teatea leave her physical body I cut some of her hair and put it in my jewelry box.  That drawer hasn't been opened yet.  I'm not ready.  I don't know if I ever will be, and I don't know what I'll do with it....but it's there. She was my furry soulmate for almost 19 years, and I don't expect to know all the answers in the 3 years she's been missing from my physical world.

I still cry. Sometimes the missing is so strong that it's the only way I can express it.  Oh, I have other kittens that I love with all my heart (you can see them here), but Teatea was different.  She was my one and only for just shy of 19 years.  From my 29th year all the way to my 48th year, she was by my side, sleeping with me, waiting for me at the door when I came home.  Do I feel I failed her in any way? Of course.  I think all good pet owners feel that they have failed their pet in some way or another....should have known something, should have spent more time, should have..... and "should haves" are what we torture ourselves with, until we realize we did the best we could with the knowledge we had and who we were at the time.  Maybe hindsight brings clarity, but it doesn't change the fact that we did the best we knew how to do at that time....and that's all we can ask ourselves for.

I will probably write posts for this blog til the day it's my turn to leave my physical body.... I imagine it won't be with the regularity that others write for their blogs.  But since Teatea never leaves my soul, there will always be something to share, even if it's only on the anniversary of her birth (February 14th....and thats no fib.  She was born at my sister's house, so we know it's the truth! )  Valentine's Day will always include a special celebration for me...forever.

...every day....

teatea

you know, the "miss" is strong every day for me.  Maybe it's like those soldiers that come back from war without one of their limbs, but they say they can still feel it once in awhile, and can still feel the pain sometimes as well.... Teatea is in my thoughts everyday.  Not because of guilt, not because my 2 cats currently living in my home aren't "enough" (cuz trust me, they are more than enough at times!), but because she was my furry soulmate.  I am still wearing her collar as a bracelet every day to keep a part of her close to me, knowing that it's my turn to show who I belong to.  I cry every so often on my commute home because the missing is so strong, and I still...every so often....can feel her gingerly walk up from the bottom of the bed toward me....and those are the time I love the most. (and then I peek and I get so mad at myself for peeking cuz then the experience is over but I can't stop myself from peeking!! aauuggh!)   I still can't open the drawer in my jewelry box that has a clipping of her hair in it, but I touch the frame that hides her ashes behind her photo each morning and let her know she is still as important to me over 2 years after she left her mortal body as she ever was.....and I mean every word of it 

...a smile....

....right this very minute, i can feel her in my heart.... love.

....2 years....and my heart still aches...but it also smiles.

I miss teatea.  It has been 2 years since I held her on that last inevitable day.  I still have a lock of her hair tucked away in a drawer that I cannot get myself to open.  I still have a sign up in my bedroom that reminds me "5 minutes does NOT erase 19 years".....as the 5 minutes of having her put down was one of the most difficult moments in my life.  I still wear her collar every day......and i miss her.  
     But now between the misses and tears there are times when the memories of teatea make me smile.  Once, just once, I felt her ginger steps across my bed at night, stopping where she stopped every night just to stare at me to see if I was asleep.  I didn't open my eyes....I just stayed with that magical feeling of knowing she was there.  It made me smile.  Do I think that was the only time she's been with me?? Not a chance in hell.....she's with me every day, always strong, always comforting.....
     I believe that the biggest challenge that anyone faces with the death of a loved one is figuring out how to move the relationship that happened with a physical presence to one without a physical presence.....it happens differently for everyone....in their own time.  I am still in love with teatea.   Every day, she brings me joy.  We're in our 21st year of the most incredible relationship.....and i miss her. 

....the second time...(??)

It's been awhile since my last post here....Teatea is with me every day, present in my heart, and for this I am eternally grateful.  I miss her physically so much that my heart aches (and yes, I still have huge crying jags about missing her), but I have no doubt she's here. Inside my soul, as a part of me.
....so what's the title of this entry about then? Ah, well the second time.  This week I had to go through another euthanasia of a pet....and after Teatea's (which I didn't feel went well at all) I was dreading it.  And of course my husband was away on a  trip when it became apparent it was "the day"....

Details: Stella, my 9 year old border collie/australian shepherd cross was diagnosed with lymphosarcoma in February of this year.  I originally went in saying "NO CHEMO" as I thought it was like people chemo, and how do you explain to a critter that lives for the present that they're going to feel hideous for awhile but then they might feel better and live a bit longer??  You can't really....so I said no chemo.....and then learned something.  For lymphosarcoma, chemo can be really effective....like 50%-80% in dogs, and there are usually no side effects.  3 pills, 3 times.  That's it. After insurance, $128.  Really?  REALLY??  Shoot, lets go for it.  Well, we did, and it extended Stella's life until last Wednesday with literally no side effects.  The vet explained to me that it was because the chemo dosage levels in people are meant to cure the cancer, whereas the dosage levels in pets are just to cause a remission and hopefully extend their life.  I am glad to know this now, and I will also be careful to what I rule out by medical anthropomorphizing in the future!

Onward: The euthanasia.  I learned from my experience with Teatea....and am better for it. I learned what I needed to do ahead of time (give the vet specific instructions on how to approach my furry friend, have arrangements for afterwards done ahead of time, etc.)  I am happy to say that I also had more of my wits about me this time.  When the time came for the final injection with Stella, I made sure I was laying down next to her, face to face, on the upwind side, so she could smell that I was there as she eased into her next life. Also, instead of reciting a litany of things that I needed to say to her before she went that meant nothing to her, (you were the best dog in the world, we'll miss you we'll take care of your friend Buick, etc.) I repeated her favorite phrase over and over again with vigor and enthusiasm (which is really hard to do while you're crying, by the way) "Good GIRL Stella. Good GIRL, Stella".....until she left her silly body that quit on her way too soon.  Sure I cried....blubbered is more the correct word.....but I know that I sent Stella off knowing I  was pleased with her and with permission to go.  So there you go.  I've learned something from even the most horrible of situations.  Ask questions, even when you think you can't remember them. Be solid for your furry friend....be upwind and say the things that they loved to hear, even if it sounds ridiculous while you're crying....and know that they never ever truly leave you.....